I'm 28 years old, and I feel like I'm still 16. I'm not sure if that's how all people feel, or if I'm just that insecure. I have 2 wonderful children, and I'm married to the most awesome man I know, yet I don't feel like an "adult." I don't have a job (ok, I guess I stay at home with the littlest one, so that IS my job) ..but you know what I mean. I don't drive (I'm actually going to have my license by July (but again, you know what I mean.) I'd much rather watch Gossip Girl, than clean my house, I don't always have fresh baked cookies made for the boys, and I can probably count on both hands the number of times I've gotten down on the floor and played cars with my youngest, oh, and I never graduated high-school (yeah, i was one of those really cool kids...)
I just don't FEEL like I'm doing anything with my life. I don't feel like what I AM doing is good enough. I feel like my whole life, I've been unmotivated, scared, and lazy. I have so many plans for the future I WANT to make happen. I have so many hopes, and dreams. I know exactly who I want to be, and I'm not sure if it's that I'm scared, or that I'm not sure how to go about things.. Honestly, I know the things I need to fix, and trust me, I am now starting to work on those, but I feel like things aren't happening fast enough. I want to get my license. Ok, well to get my permit cost $60, so I need to wait a few weeks before we have that (we sadly live paycheck to paycheck without me working) so I'll be getting my permit in a few weeks, and then as soon as I'm comfortable, I'll be getting my license. In March, I can take the GED test, so in March, I'll have my GED, but then what? What do I do after that? I want to go to school for an actual money making job, but what do I go for? How long will I be there? How much will it cost? Will I have time for a job, school, and my family?
I hate myself for letting things go this long. I hate myself for letting my life get so out of hand. I love my family, and they are the best thing I'll ever have in this world, but I want more for myself, so they can have more. I want to be happy, and productive, and independent, because I NEED that to not be so depressed all the time. This probably sounds like the ramblings of some 16 year old girl, and in a way, it is. I never made myself grow up. I've always depended on everyone for everything, and now, at 28 years old, I'm scared of doing things on my own. I get actually anxiety thinking of taking a drivers test. I can feel this horrible heaviness in the pit of my stomach any time I think about doing anything on my own. What if I fail? What if I'm not good at it? What if I can't do it? Maybe it's my upbringing that brings out such negative thoughts, because I'm forever thinking worst case scenarios. I mean, ALL THE DAMN TIME, I think of the worst possible outcome, and THAT'S what needs to change, but how do I change that? I really feel like I need to see a therapist, and get myself on some kind of meds, I need someone I can talk to who will reassure me. Actually, what I really need is to push myself and hold myself accountable, but that's hard to do when I'm so busy pitying myself. *sigh*
I am a 28 year old asshole...
No comments:
Post a Comment