How to get nowhere...FAST

I'm 28 years old, and I feel like I'm still 16. I'm not sure if that's how all people feel, or if I'm just that insecure. I have 2 wonderful children, and I'm married to the most awesome man I know, yet I don't feel like an "adult." I don't have a job (ok, I guess I stay at home with the littlest one, so that IS my job) ..but you know what I mean. I don't drive (I'm actually going to have my license by July (but again, you know what I mean.) I'd much rather watch Gossip Girl, than clean my house, I don't always have fresh baked cookies made for the boys, and I can probably count on both hands the number of times I've gotten down on the floor and played cars with my youngest, oh, and I never graduated high-school (yeah, i was one of those really cool kids...)
I just don't FEEL like I'm doing anything with my life. I don't feel like what I AM doing is good enough. I feel like my whole life, I've been unmotivated, scared, and lazy. I have so many plans for the future I WANT to make happen. I have so many hopes, and dreams. I know exactly who I want to be, and I'm not sure if it's that I'm scared, or that I'm not sure how to go about things.. Honestly, I know the things I need to fix, and trust me, I am now starting to work on those, but I feel like things aren't happening fast enough. I want to get my license. Ok, well to get my permit cost $60, so I need to wait a few weeks before we have that (we sadly live paycheck to paycheck without me working) so I'll be getting my permit in a few weeks, and then as soon as I'm comfortable, I'll be getting my license. In March, I can take the GED test, so in March, I'll have my GED, but then what? What do I do after that? I want to go to school for an actual money making job, but what do I go for? How long will I be there? How much will it cost? Will I have time for a job, school, and my family?
I hate myself for letting things go this long. I hate myself for letting my life get so out of hand. I love my family, and they are the best thing I'll ever have in this world, but I want more for myself, so they can have more. I want to be happy, and productive, and independent, because I NEED that to not be so depressed all the time. This probably sounds like the ramblings of some 16 year old girl, and in a way, it is. I never made myself grow up. I've always depended on everyone for everything, and now, at 28 years old, I'm scared of doing things on my own. I get actually anxiety thinking of taking a drivers test. I can feel this horrible heaviness in the pit of my stomach any time I think about doing anything on my own. What if I fail? What if I'm not good at it? What if I can't do it? Maybe it's my upbringing that brings out such negative thoughts, because I'm forever thinking worst case scenarios. I mean, ALL THE DAMN TIME, I think of the worst possible outcome, and THAT'S what needs to change, but how do I change that? I really feel like I need to see a therapist, and get myself on some kind of meds, I need someone I can talk to who will reassure me. Actually, what I really need is to push myself and hold myself accountable, but that's hard to do when I'm so busy pitying myself. *sigh*

I am a 28 year old asshole...

I need to be somebody else.

Today, I am in a rut. It appears that more often than not, I am in a rut. That should tell me something, right? That SOMETHING needs to change? However, I'm currently at a stand still, and unable to change anything, hence the rut. It's a vicious circle. I want to change things, but lack the ability to, or at least that's the fight in my head.
   I'm a very capable 28 year old, who has always said 'tomorrow' or 'next year' but I never follow through. Ever. What the fuck am I waiting for? What the hell am I scared of? Why can't I just say to myself "enough is enough! Now let's fucking do this!!!?"
   If I'm not making any sense, that's fine, I'm lucky if I understand myself half the time.

New Year's resolutions

Well guys, it's that time of year. You know, where we all evaluate ourselves, and come to the conclusion that we weren't good enough this year, but swear, no matter what, we'll be the best we can be next year. I'm not big on resolutions, however, this year, I'm giving it a go. So here they are:

• Quit smoking. (just a horribly disgusting habit I HATE!)
• Get organized (this isn't a resolution so much as a necessity.)
• Get my license (yes, I am a 28 year old mother of 2 who doesn't drive, get over it)
• Save money (because sadly, I am not yet married to Dean, of supernatural fame)
• Lose some weight (I'm still rocking an extra 20-30 pounds from my almost 18month old)

I could probably go on, and on..and on, but I think I'll stop myself there. Resolutions are things we should be working on through out the year, but we only attempt once.. until next year. I plan on fully holding myself accountable, and hope that actually putting my plans in writing, helps (I enjoy checking things off a list, it just makes me feel more accomplished.)

 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat until it hurts, and then fake a paralyzing illness so I don't need to clean my house. I still have a few days till the New Year :)

In case you didn't know; it's snowing.

...and my baby is loving it :)

Sick mommy

Pretty sure the title says it all; I'm sick. I've done everything a bored, sick, slightly crazy woman would do on the internet/iphone, so I decided to make a blog. Not that anyone wants to hear my crazy, slightly off, ramblings, buttttt I'm doing it anyways :)

Who is this bowl of awesomeness you ask? Well, I'm a 28 year old, who use to have a kick ass body, but then I decided to have children (I suppose it was a fair trade.) I have two boys, a 9 year old, and a 1 year old. I also have a daughter, she's 10, but she has 4 legs and a wet nose (come to think of it, so does my 1 year old right now *sigh*) I currently stay at home, trying my hardest to be domestic, but let me be honest with you, cleaning is NOT my thing, however, I can make you the most amazing meal you've ever had. From scratch, you just need to clean it up :)

I don't really have much of a life, I do my makeup for fun, I'm trying to be an extreme couponer, I change poopy diapers, and I watch a lot of teenage drama shows. If I wasn't happily married, I'd divorce my husband, and marry Dean from the show Supernatural (which I may do anyways, still undecided on that one.)

We recently moved from CT, to the middle of nowhere, upstate NY.

I'm sure a few of you will stumble upon this, and laugh at my literal ramblings, so stay tuned.. There's so much more :)